Relationships and communication
Most people want to be happy and capable, and want their children to grow up to be happy and capable too. Right from the start, early relationships and good communication make all the difference. This is where SKIP’s Six things children need to grow into happy, capable adults help.
They’re also known as:
- The 6 principles of effective discipline
- Ngā tohu whānau.
- are based on research from a 2004 report by the University of Otago and the Office of the Children’s Commissioner
- provide the foundation principles underlying all the SKIP resources.
- can be applied to all ages and situations
- are well worth becoming familiar with.
We’ve included a section on ‘Ngā tohu whānau’ in every Whakatipu booklet, including Te Kākano, so you can share these ideas with parents at any stage of their baby’s growth.
Here’s the overview of the principles from pages 5, 6 and 7. Each short statement describes the basic and most important ideas about each principle.
Principle one: Love and warmth
This is required from the very beginning of life, as it helps build the bonds of trust and love, and positive self-esteem. It’s also a way for parents to invest in their relationship, and makes respectful discipline easier and more effective.
Principle two: Talking and listening
Talking with children, listening to what they say and giving clear messages suitable to their age creates good outcomes. Expectations cannot be lectured into or shouted at children. Their fear, and the need to defend themselves, will overpower their ability (and willingness) to listen.
Principle three: Guidance and understanding
Children are more likely to co-operate when they understand why we require things from them. Straightforward respectful explanations inspire greater co-operation than methods such as guilt-trips.
Principle four: Limits and boundaries
Rules keep things fair and safe for everyone in the family. Rules need to teach mostly ‘what we do’ rather than ‘what we don’t do’. For families with a greater level of need for support, the clearer the rules are for their children, the more successful the outcomes. But remember, rules need to work for everyone — not just the parents.
Principle five: Consistency and consequences
Consistency involves predictability. Children connect an action with a consequence from an early age. When consequences are applied there is real learning — without suffering. Relationships can also stay intact. The 3 Rs of creating consequences successfully are to make things Related, Reasonable, Respectful. Parents need to apply all three if they are to experience success and satisfaction. This method teaches children to ‘put things right’.
Principle six: A structured and secure world
This involves two things:
- planning ahead to avoid predictable difficulties by, for instance, putting breakable objects out of reach of two-year-olds
- monitoring your own behaviour — children will copy your behaviour. This is called modelling, and is a major learning tool.
On page 9 in module three each principle is expanded on. And there are lots of ideas for workshops.
Look at pages 34-25 in SKIP’s Whakatipu booklet Te Kākano– Nga Tohu Whānau to see how each of the above principles can be viewed through the lens of pregnancy and the pre-natal baby.
These statements help us understand how the six principles are relevant during pregnancy. The important messages about taking care of the pregnant mum and thinking about the needs of the baby we find throughout Te Kākano are all reinforced in Nga Tohu Whānau.